Saturday, December 21, 2013

There's no more Doggy Bag. Now called Spare Tire.

If you are in New York and don't finish your meal, some restaurants will charge extra ... It's part of their "Global Fattening" program. 
Duck Dynasty may not survive the scandal, but A&E is taking no chances on the replacement. This time the ducks are the stars and the humans are the targets ... Called "Poop Dynasty." 
Scientists in Germany have created a robotic sperm delivery system to aid in fertilisation. It's based on Domino's ... If your cow is not pregnant within 30 minutes, your embryo is free. 

Friday, December 20, 2013

Why are you Twerking when you should be working?

This year's most Googled question was, "What is twerking?" I don't know why they call it twerking. When you're on the subway it's called "riding." 
An actor on Duck Dynasty has been put on "indefinite hiatus" for slamming gays in GQ Magazine. The reality is he wants to be gay but they wouldn't let him into the club because he's just too dumb ... He thinks Duck confit is a comfortable set of feathers. 

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Good value. Mitt Romney bribed the American people millions and still lost.

Italian cyclist Roberto Gaggioli claims Lance Armstrong once bribed him $100,000 to lose. We're so proud of Lance ... With integrity like that he could have been a winner in politics, or better yet Wall Street. 

The Minnesota Viking's Hubert H. Humphery Metrodome will be razed at the end of December ... With many of the younger fans asking, 'Was Humphery a beer or a condom?' 

After 75 years the Hollywood Park Racetrack is closing. The track was the setting for many famous movies and TV shows ... In fact, a horse's ass was the inspiration for "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." 

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Take this dog for a long walk on a short pier.

Have you seen Kirstie Alley's new show "Kirstie"? I'm sure it'll get an Oscar ... Oscar Meyer! It's a real dog. 

Fox is charging eight million a minute for Super Bowl ads ... I hear Miley Cyrus is getting 1.5 million a twerk. 

A British man was given a five year suspended sentence for accidentally killing his wife in bed with a fart. In Europe it's called a Dutch Oven ... Here it's called "Taco Bell Fourthmeal." 

Monday, December 16, 2013

You may be a winner, and loser.

Kim Jong Un had his uncle executed ... Not for political reasons, but because he found out the guy just won $5000 a week for life from Publishers Clearing House. 

An Iowa couple lived in a tent in the woods for 7 months to save for a house. That's nothing. My father walked 5 miles through the snow to school ... At least that's what he told me. 

Saw a man holding a sign at the freeway entrance. "Will watch Fast & Furious 6 again for food."

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Thought he was loaded for bear. Turns out he was loaded from beer.

A jet mechanic was arrested Friday as he attempted to drive a vehicle full of explosives into the terminal at Wichita's airport ... He was easily subdued after a pilot got him drunk from the cockpit mini-bar. 

What did Lance Armstrong brag about after winning his seventh Tour de France? That he was on the ball.

Un-piloted flight will change the face of America. It's true ... Playboy is developing the first silicone-enhanced drone. 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Don't go there Alex.

Alex: 'So you won an unusual contest in high school.'
Valerie: 'Yes Alex. I won a Twinkie eating contest.'
Alex: 'How did you beat all those big football and baseball players?'
Valerie: 'I like the creme filling Alex.'

Pull up! Too much ice.

The truth has come out in the Asiana Airlines crash at SFO. The pilots made a real rookie mistake ... They confused the low-speed stick shaker with the high-speed cocktail shaker. 

Two for the price of ten million.

Victoria's Secret has a 10 million dollar bra in their catalogue ... The secret is not that they sell the bra, but that some boob would pay that much. 

Food sales will be strictly controlled at the 2014 Super Bowl ... All pork snacks must be de-boned, inspected by the Rabbi, then sent to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's office for "ageing." 

Kim Jong Un, supreme leader for life of North Korea had his uncle executed this week ... The official reason was treasonous behaviour, but those in the know blame that fruit cake he gave Kim last Christmas.