Please please me, and my fans.

OJ Simpson got his prison time reduced from 33 years to time served plus 4 years ... He can thank Nevada's new "Stand Your Ground and Whine" law. 

Wham! Bam! Friends and family plan.

Why did Red Sox David Ortiz beat-up the dugout's pay phone? The smart phone was too smart for him. 

Poop from the Seagulls, Fox and baby George.

The band "Flock of Seagulls" van was stolen in Los Angeles last week. If you spot it, please let 'em know. It's black and white...and crusty. 

Poor Detroit, it might have to sell some of its art collection to pay the bills ... You know things are tough when you have to sell "Dogs playing poker for Edsel." 

Rupert Murdock's wife Wendi Deng looks to be causing big problems in their upcoming divorce, and he might have to sell Fox News to pay her ... Either way, he gets rid of a big pain in the butt. 

Prince William will take a two-week paternity leave from the RAF to look after the new Royal Baby George ... The Royal Diaper Folder better make military corners, or off with his head! 

The Dodgers just signed Brian Wilson ... He may be fast between bases. I hear his walker's got wheels. 

Fran-cis!!!

The Pope's last Mass in Rio was on the famous Copacabana Beach ... Not everyone was happy. Ricky Ricardo rolled over in his grave and murmured "Francis, you got some splainin to do!" 

Stand your ground, your battery's dead.

BMW has an electric car they call the "i3." They named it that because its range is about as far as the little red wagon you had when you said "I three!" 

Why is BMW's electric "i3" the ultimate driving machine? It's got the world's longest extension cord. 

Teresa from "Real Housewives of New Jersey" has been indicted on income tax evasion. She could get 50 years in jail ... Or worse than that,  Snooki could move in with her. 

Alex Rodriguez faces a two-year ban from baseball for doping ... Or worse than that, Snooki could move in with him. 

A  group of lawyers wants Florida's governor to repeal the "Stand Your Ground" law ... And replace it with something more Florida, like the "Rock Your Chair" law. Or maybe, "Flick Your Blinker" law. 

The nays have it.

Congress passes a bill!!! It's not much, but maybe it's a start ... They Grand Slammed their Pages into paying for breakfast at Denny's.

1,2,3...

Even though Anthony Weiner had a slip off the wagon, his wife insists her husband is a new man ... At least he will be after she divorces Anthony. 

There is controversy: Does Monopoly plan to drop its "IN JAIL" spaces? NO, but in the new Wall Street version when you're convicted of insider trading you go straight to Trump Tower. 

Or is it sweet shop?

A-Rod, Lance Armstrong, Paula Dean. They're dropping like flies ... At this rate the only roll model left will be Bisquick.

An artist in China's Guangdong province has painted thousands of Van Gogh copies ... So many, all the kids at the local sweat shop are hard of hearing.

Hillary Clinton is way ahead in the polls for 2016, in both parties ... In fact, she's so far ahead she's started calling herself "Hillary Danger." 

Well, at least there is no staining.

Even though Anthony Weiner got caught texting his privates again, he still has a chance at being NYC's next mayor ... I think I see what's happening here. Monica Lewinsky lives in New York.

United--With your bag!

Asiana Airlines lands short! Southwest collapses a nose gear! They say these things happen in threes, so I guess the next air catastrophe belongs to United .... Your luggage will land at the RIGHT airport.

LIT HER FIRE!

Amanda Bynes put in an involuntary psychiatric lockdown after starting a fire in an L.A. driveway ... Alas, poor Amanda. It takes a really cool cop to get the Hendrix channeling. 

Born with a minor offense?

Since acquittal, George Zimmerman has received many, many crank calls, but it boils down to just two main ones ... Those who want to kill him, and those who want to give him a really, really big penis.

What's in your hold?

A cargo ship from Cuba to North Korea was stopped and searched in the Panama Canal. Under tons of sugar they found two MiG-21 fighter jets packed in containers ... And as usual, Geraldo Rivera. 

Kate Middleton had her baby. She flew to St. Mary's Hospital, ran to the delivery room, and popped out a baby boy ... And as usual, Geraldo Rivera. 

Detroit filed for bankruptcy ... So it looks like Mowtown is no mow. 

The weak too protest.

Thousands attended Trayvon Martin rallies across Florida on Saturday. In Miami alone there was a procession of over a thousand Cadillacs lined up with left blinkers on showing support ... Either that or Denny's was having a Super-Saver breakfast day. 

You owe what?

Detroit has filed for bankruptcy protection. Bankruptcy protection means you don't have to pay the money you owe ... Kinda like what the US does with China. 

The House of Representatives is writing legislation to replace George W. Bush's No Child Left Behind law ... They figure with George out of Washington, there ARE no children to leave behind.

What do you think?

The difference between NYC Mayor Michael Blumberg and wanna-be mayor Anthony Weiner: Weiner's Sweats Limit STARTS at 16 ounces. 

  

A flashlight has been invented that is powered by the heat in your hand ... It's a dichotomy. If your hand is hot enough to light it, you don't want anyone to see you. 

A Russian spy has offered to marry Edward Snowden ... She wants to be Natasha to his Boris. 

A man for all the good reasons

Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of NYC ... In his administration will casual Friday be boxers or briefs?

What's next, California Girls?

I tell ya, this new Pope Francis is way different from other popes ... Now he's dumped the old popemobile and picked up a sweet "Little Deuce Coupe." 

You can now get a Goth Barbie ... And boyfriend Ken is vicious, because he still ain't got no man parts. 

He didn't mooove out of the way

A Brazilian man was killed when a cow fell through the roof and landed on him ... Turns out she was a member of the North Cowrean space team and was udderly off course.

Cadillac introduces a new electric car for 2014, the ELR ... It's got everything the market wants, great looks, great luxury and great performance. And it'll go 200 miles, or 2000 left-blinks between recharges. 

Outgoing Republican Representative Michele Bachmann says she has a guide for spanking the president ... I've heard it called many things, but the next time I'm at the "oval office" I'll wield the Commander-In-Chief with pride due its office. 

Soap a dope

Word is the jury didn't let George Zimmerman off because he was innocent. They couldn't live with the idea of him standing his ground in the prison shower with just soap-on-a-rope. 

You're gonna luv bein' free

Well, George Zimmerman got off ... Guess he'll be back at Men's Wearhouse next week.

Flashed!

The Asiana Airlines pilot who was landing at San Francisco claims he was temporarily blinded by a bright flash of light ... Obviously a reflection off some nude-beach-guy's oiled pecs.

Older than dirt

A shard of pottery found in Jerusalem has an inscription that dates to the 10th century BC ... It's hard to make out but if you squint just right you can read, "Long Live The King, Larry." 

Big leagues, little players

Baseball teams are planning to suspend at least 20 players for using performance enhancing drugs ... There are plenty of players around to replace them, all clean. Only problem is, night games are past their bedtimes.

France says they are very serious about attracting American tourists ... I'll go if they take Lance Armstrong back. 

Seven seconds before impact, Asiana Airlines pilots got a stall warning signal in the cockpit ... Easy enough mistake to make if you're new to English. They probably thought it was a "last call" warning. 

Hands off!

Because of the crash at San Francisco International, many planes are in a holding pattern waiting for takeoff ... This is not to be confused with the TSA pat-down search of a cute young thing. 

assume the position

Here's an interesting story. Asiana Airlines has offered to fly Edward Snowden to Cuba. The US has offered to pay for the gas. 

Disney

Disney's The Lone Ranger looks like a big money loser ... Fortunately they paid Johnny Depp in Wampum. 

SPLASH

A 200-year-old Rockfish was caught off the coast of Alaska ... Naturally, his favorite song is "Jumpin' Jack Splash." 

Kanye West says he's "Not changing diapers" ... Why should he. He doesn't change his lyrics. 

Russia hints Snowden has overstayed his welcome ... They don't want him to become their "Twinkie." 

A star of "Breaking Amish" has stripped to her Daisy Duke shorts and bare-midriff top on a cover shoot for Maxim magazine ... But don't worry mom, they lit her with candles. 

Ted Nugent

Ted Nugent wants to be President of the United States ... What's the first thing he'll do? Pardon the tofu turkey.  

Go Air

GoAir, a low-cost Indian airline says they will not hire male flight attendants ... It's not the wages, it's the uniforms. You try and buy pantyhose with a zipper. 

North Carolina passed a law demanding abortions be performed in an official operating room ... North Carolina, where the official drink is Milk, the official dog is the Plott Hound and the official dating service is "Cousin Mingle."

Paula Deen's empire is pretty much as far away as it can get, but there is good news. The AMA changed its diagnosis and her menu is now considered a disease...OK OK, it was obesity. But same o' same o'. 

A

Paula Dean's not giving up ... She's switching from touting food to become the spokesmodel for Flomax and is changing her name to P.De.

GoAir, a low-cost Indian airline says they will not hire male flight attendants ... It's not the wages, it's the uniforms. You try and buy pantyhose with a zipper.