Sunday, September 29, 2013

kkk


Chinese Citizens say their justice system isn't fair, rich or famous people get lighter sentences than regular people ... Granted, the courts are crooked, thats why we sold it to them. 

A Chinese cook was executed for killing two policemen with his sausage knife ... It was a sad case all around, but on a positive note Guy Fieri said the meat just fell off the bone. 

My neighbor's goldfish died last night after swimming in the same tank for
18-years. I asked if they were going to flush him. "Hell no! We're having fish and chip." 

Portland has the world's only vegan strip club, a place were you can enjoy a striptease and a veggie burger at the same time. Vegans have to be ever watchful though. One dancer tried to sneak a hard boiled egg in for her lunch ... I won't tell you where they found it. 

Portland, Oregon, has a vegan strip club. They really take it off, but then put it right back on again ... They're renewable. 

Two pilots on a Transatlantic flight fell asleep at the same time, leaving the autopilot in charge ... Flight attendants became suspicious when the autopilot asked for a second glass of WD-40. 



New York's Thruway and other major state highways are getting nearly 300 new signs dire

Thursday, September 26, 2013

jjj


Americas Cup down to one last sudden death race ... It was a fan. He yawned himself to death. 

Miley Cyrus posed topless for the cover of the Rolling Stone ... Unfortunately, like the Chershire Cat, her mouth is still there. 

Putin says no homosexuals on his Olympic team. But he has a secret weapon ... He plans to cure them all with Syrian gas. 

The Mars rover Curiosity has found evidence the Red Planet was once a very 
wet place ... Dozens and dozens of used Starbucks coffee filters. 

iii


Schools in Finland are the best according to Programme for International 
Team Oracle won the Americas Cup ... And it's a little like Kennedy's famous speech. We strive for greatness not because it is easy, but because we can cheat. 

Hertz will rent you an all-electric Tesla for $500 a day and .49 a mile ... Or until you pull the plug out of the wall. 

Over the weekend President George H W Bush was an official witness at a same-sex marriage in Maine ... Know the difference between a regular marriage and one between two women? The maid of honour and the best man wear the same dresses. 

A fisherman off the coast of New Jersey caught a strange South American fish known as "The Testical Eater." In the US we call it Gloria Allred. 

A man in China is growing a nose on his forehead to be replace his old one ... It started with Mao Zedong, and now includes Mao Zenose and Mao Zeears. 

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

hhh


Comedian Sarh Silverman spent just $60 on the dress she wore to the Emmys. Sixty bucks! Kim K. spends more that that to cover her ass... A dust jacket for Kanye's latest CD. 

I watched the Emmys Sunday. It kinda reminded me of Seinfeld. A show about nothing. 

The Bible says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter Heaven ... Except Trump, he owns it. 

According to Associated Press, one in five electric cars in America is owned by a San Franciscan. It's the hills. All that going down charges their batteries.

Monday, September 23, 2013

ggg


For some unexplainable reason one-third of the U.S. bee population has disappeared ... Since we need to conserve all our B's for words like boobs, the Cleveland Browns must be renamed the Cleveland Losers. 

A Pennsylvania man was arrested for driving his lawn mower drunk, an offense police normally overlook ... But this guy mowed down three hedges, two rose gardens, and one poor Amish guy's beard. 

Gale Sayers, AKA the "Kansas Comet," is suing the NFL claiming memory loss from head injuries ... The sad thing is he thought he'd done something really important with his life.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

fff


Last year Judge Judy was paid $47 million, and is Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia ever pissed! It took him 20 years to get that from Pfizer. 

Pope Francis says the Catholic Church should stop being a bunch of crabby old men in dresses out to stop gays and birth control and get with the modern world of the 21st century ... Steve Jobs isn't dead. He's the new Pope

The Rolling Stones will not tour in the US again ... Mick says he don't trust any place that would make Willie Nelson a doctor.                                     

Thursday, September 19, 2013

eee


Britney Spears signs multi-million dollar contract to appear at the Planet Hollywood Casino in Vegas ... Can peanut butter and banana sandwiches and Jenny Craig be far behind? 

Willie Nelson was awarded an honorary doctorate. That means he can now prescribe his own medical marijuana ... If he could just remember how to spell it. 

A New York art dealer scammed customers out of $80 million over 15 years with fake paintings ... Someone finally got a clue when she tried to sell them "Starry Night" by Vincent Van Kinko. 
A man in Germany destroyed his $160,000 BMW M6 with a sledge hammer because the dealer couldn't fix all the problems ... Wonder why he didn't use a golf club? After all, it is the ultimate "driving" machine. 

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

ddd


The Costa Concordia cruise ship was finally pulled off the Italian reef that sank it 18 months ago ... Surprisingly undamaged; from the dance floor to the bar to the swimming pool to the step ladder the captain "tripped" over and fell into the lifeboat. 
Turkey shot down a Syrian helicopter that violated their airspace ... It's not fair. Russia pays for the helicopter, America pays for the guns: We spend all the money, they have all the fun. 
Cher won't perform at the Russian Olympics because of their anti-gay laws, she claims ...  But the real reason: Her new lips don't work below 32 degrees. 

"Culinary workers to go on strike in Las Vegas." One hundred and sixty eight Elvis impersonators who eat three hundred and thirty six peanut butter and banana sandwiches a day are the only ones who care. 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

ccc


Hello Kitty is a billion dollar empire owned by an 83-year-old Japanese man ... So how does an 83-year-old man come up with products appealing to 12-year-old girls? Hello mescaline.

"Herpes-infected monkeys invade Florida." What a headline. And who would think so many British soccer fans want to live in the Sunshine State. 

The average female becomes comfortable with her body at 34. The average male, 14 ... I think the difference has to do with genes, and pockets. 

Monday, September 16, 2013

bbb


Reports say the world's oldest man has died ... Wrong! Larry King just went to Hulu. 

No winner in Saturday's Powerball lottery so Wednesdays jackpot is $400 million ... Or in NBA money that's three affairs, two sexts and one one-night stand.  

Britain wants to sell the Royal Mail ... I don't think they'll get much. Who wants a mail service with the motto, "Either enui or slothfulness or constant inbreeding or just another drink will stay these royal bastards from completing their appointed rounds, whenever."  

Sunday, September 15, 2013

aaa


Priest celibacy is up for discussion, says Pope Francis ... Good. Then he can discuss parishioner celibacy because, "Not tonight, I've got a headache" is the 11th commandment. 

Hello Kitty is a billion dollar empire owned by an 83-year-old Japanese man ... Funny, "Hello Kitty" is what Michael Douglas calls his wife. 

Why did the disciple throw Pope Francis out the window? Wanted to see if he was in-fall-able. 

Colorado flooding is bad, really bad ... So bad they've changed the state song to "Rocky Mountain Low." 

Flooding in Colorado  ... How to make mole hills out of mountains. 

Saturday, September 14, 2013

ZZZ


Pope Francis didn't vote for Anthony Weiner ... Too small to judge.  

A YouTube video shows a Polish pilot landing his jetliner with no wheels. It's amazing! But if you thought that was something, you should have seen his takeoff. 

New Oakland-San francisco Bay bridge named the "Willie Brown Bridge." Some wanted it named for the two teams, but who wanted to cross the "Giant A-Holes Bridge." 

Thursday, September 12, 2013

YYY


The London Taxi Company, which has been making little black cabs since 1948, was bought by a Chinese car maker ... In Chinese, "Big Ben" means "Old Stupid," which is what they call Britain on their maps. 

A small rainbow trout recently caught in Alaska's Togiak Wildlife Refuge shocked fishermen when it was found to have consumed 20 shrews ... Wow! That's like the whole cast and crew of, "The Real Housewives of Orange County."

Someone gave Pope Francis a 1984 Renault sedan, and ever since he's been zooming around the Vatican on two wheels ... His hero is Danica Patrick. 

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

XXX


The Writers Guild of America meets next month to decide if they should expel  Joan Rivers. It's nothing to do with plagiarism or cheating or anything like that ... Her material is so old, it's been rejected by Fred Flinstone. 

With 105 days to go before Christmas, Kmart aired its first holiday ad - the earliest ever ... It's so early Santa is still on spring break at the South Pole drinking Pina Coladas and filming the 2014 edition of "Elves Behaving Badly." 

According to New York Magazine more and more modern women are using the "pull-out method" of birth control ... That's right, when they don't want to get pregnant they just pull-out the VISA and Charge! Charge! Charge! 

Anthony Weiner lost the Democratic nomination for NYC mayor. He lost so big Comedy Central is planning to roast him ... A Weiner roast. 

San Francisco is accusing Nevada of busing patients they don't want anymore from a hospital in Vegas to the Bay Area ... Doctors first noticed something was up when they took a guy's blood pressure and he told them he'd stand on 17, hit on 13.


Pope Francis wants to convert unused churches into refugee housing ... Who does this guy think he is? Saint Donald Trump. 


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

WWW


James Franco says he is definitely not gay, but wishes he were ...  His one big dream in life is to, "Dance like Ellen." 

A rare 1967 Corvette sold at auction for $3.2 million. It's rare for two reasons: Chevy built only 20 ... And Christine Jorgensen after driving it decided she didn't need it or her penis. 

Little known Disney fact: One horse on the King Arthur Carrousel has a gold tooth so Mrs. Disney could identify her favorite one ... Ironically, that's the same reason she had the cryogenics lab put a Goofy smile on Walt's head. 

George Zimmerman was questioned for threatening his father-in-law with a gun ... Wifey's daddy got caught trying to sell some of George's memorabilia on eBay.


Conservative commentators on FOX say if Reagan were president today he'd teach Syria a lesson, like he taught Russia a lesson back in 87 about that pesky wall ... Course if Reagan were alive today he'd probably think Syria was what he had for breakfast. 

Monday, September 09, 2013

VVV


Hitler's bodyguard died last week at 96 ... He's the one who told the Fuhrer, 'Sure, if you kill yourself people will remember only your good deeds.' 
Syranian President al-Assad denies using chemical weapons ... He does NOT deny ordering a ship-load of Greek yogurt however. 

Kim Kardashian wants to pose nude for Playboy ... I think I speak for us all when I say we'd rather see Bruce Jenner nude. 

I hear a baby photographer tried to get a picture of Kim Kardashian and her new baby in one shot and had to invent a whole new technology to do it ... BBW Pixels.

Iowa has been issuing gun permits to blind people ... Why not? They issue fishing permits to Red Lobster. 

Sunday, September 08, 2013

UUU


Syranian President al-Assad denies using chemical weapons ... He does NOT deny ordering a ship-load of Greek yogurt however. 

That girl who's been stalking Alec Baldwin for over a year could get jail time, according to Nancy Grace ... The judge asked her, 'What's in your wallet?' and she had to say, 'Nada.' 

The CEO of Microsoft says he's been thinking about leaving for three years ... Thinking about it! His computer crashed and he couldn't. 

Bill Nye the Science Guy is on the new Dancing with the Stars this fall ... Turns out "to Pogo" IS rocket science. 

The Mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska, was attacked by a mad dog and is hospitalized  in guarded condition. Stubbs, a 16-year-old Tabby cat has been mayor for 15 years after winning a write-in election ... Apparently the dog was angry over Stubbs new "no butt sniffing " zones. 

Thursday, September 05, 2013

TTT


That kidnapper of three women in Cleveland, Ariel Castro killed himself in prison Tuesday ... He was on official suicide watch, with seats down front going for fifty bucks a pop. 

Anthony Weiner is still in the race for NYC mayor ... The only support he now enjoys is from 169 stand-up comedians and a really tight pair of Jockey shorts. 

This article in US News & World Report predicts that in 101 years milk will cost $69.28 a gallon ... Yes, a staggering cost but don't forget, if you marry the cow the milk is free. 

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

SSS


Oracle Team USA has been caught cheating in the Americas Cup ... It's the age old story. They were embarrassed about the size of their mast so they rubbed it with mast enlargement cream to make it bigger. 

A British property developer said he is investigating a claim his mirrored skyscraper melted the side of a luxury Jaguar ... Buckingham Palace says it is only a coincidence Pippa Middleton was walking next to the car at the same time. 

Many believe Tim Tebow is done with the NFL. But some pundits say he could return. Why? 30 Billion pieces of silver. 

The next mayoral race in San Diego is promised to be completely transparent ... Not such a good idea. Seeing thru things is what started this whole mess. 

You know the main difference between Britain and America? There they call the Jaguar a "luxury sedan." Here we call it, "on the hook." 

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

RRR


Cher recently went blonde. And it's her first time ... On this head anyway. 

Long distance swimmer Diana Nyad swam from Cuba to Florida on Monday. The 64-year-old swimmer made Florida very proud ... She did the 110 mile journey the entire way with her left flipper on. 

Hey guys, I spotted Miley Cyrus' SUV ... It was easy. She Twerked into the parking spot. 

It's September and that troll guy has left the San Diego mayor's office ... I think he should get some really icky sentence, like giving Larry Flint a bath every month for 20 years. 

The new Oakland Bay Bridge opened on labor Day. Once again man triumphs over nature ... Nature being of course, other men. 

Monday, September 02, 2013

QQQ


Sonny Bono has been dead for 15 years ... And Cher still misses him. Not as much as she misses her third nose. But she still misses him.

Nineteen year old Dakota Fanning was spotted at the Venice Film Festival wearing a long clingy gown with a plunging neckline ... Or as it's better known, "Lohan-ing it." 

A medical marijuana store in Rhode Island is offering to deliver ... Delivery is in 30 minutes...or 40 minutes...or 50 minutes...or 'Whatever dude.' 

The world's oldest globe has been discovered in a private collection in London ... It is so old, it's square. 

Fifty-five of the sixty-nine BCS football schools say no minors in the locker rooms because of the Penn State scandal ... So I guess at the other 19 schools you can still get coal on campus.  

Syrai says Obama is hesitant and confused and is afraid to strike them without Congressional approval ... Not only that, they said if America was a McDonald's meal they'd be "Chicken McNuggets." 

The Arab League 0f Nations wants us to blow up Syria ... Wow, are they Syria-us? 

Sunday, September 01, 2013

PPP


If we end up fighting in Syria Miley Cyrus won't volunteer ... Not because she doesn't want to serve her country, because the military doesn't have booty armor. 

Hyundai has a new luxury car priced $48,000 and called "Genesis."  They would have called it "Lexus," but that's too obvious. 

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are breaking up, and it's not your usual Hollywood irreconcilable differences ... It's restaurant related. Michael just doesn't want to eat at the Y anymore. 

New Orleans has declared itself as the gay honeymoon capitol of the world ... So along with Fat Tuesday they've now got Master Monday, Weeble Wednesday, Thong Thursday, Fanny Friday and of course Top Saturday and Bottom Sunday.   


It says here an environmental group spotted a shark "walking" along the seabed in eastern Indonesia ... I guess his BMW broke down on the way to court.