Sunday, June 30, 2013

A group of atheists in Florida put a granite monument of beliefs right next to a monument of the Ten Commandments ... So what's the good thing about chiseling an atheist's monument? If you hit your finger with the hammer, you don't have to capitalize "god damn it!" 

Mick Jagger turns 70 next month. It's hard to believe 'cause he's got the body of 20-year-old .... Actually that's his secret. The month after that he'll have the body of a 23-year-old. 

Heat wave! It was 115 degrees in Vegas over the weekend ... It was so hot the mob didn't have to kneecap anyone. They just turned off their AC. 

Talk about global warming ... It's so hot the Real Housewives of Orange County had to put ice in their bras. 

The Supreme Court says yes to same-sex marriage. Some people think it should be expanded. Some people think it should be abandoned. There must be a happy medium ... Say, divorce court.

My marriage is over now that the Supreme Court has legalized gayness ... Yesterday I heard my wife talking on the phone about scissoring, and she was nowhere near the sewing machine. 

The Food Channel, Walmart, Home Depot, Target, Sears and QVC have all dumped Paula Dean ... A case of ships of industry deserting a sinking rat. 

Last year the House of Representatives charged US taxpayers about $2 million for breakfasts, with Speaker John Boehner as the top spender ... My guess is he spent it all on orange chicken. 

The Court giveth and the Court taketh away ... The Supreme Court says if you're gay you can get married, you just can't vote. 

Texas says OK, if you're gay you can get married ... But if you want to vote you gotta' prove you're gay...on video tape! 

Donald Trump has won the contract to convert the old D.C. Post Office Building into a luxury lodge ... Window coverings will be by the same homeless weaver that does Donald's toup'. 

The L. A. School District gave out new Chevys to two students for their perfect attendance. Sounds great doesn't it? But it comes with a price ... They have to car-pool the 113 punk scofflaws to juvey. 

Donald Trump has won the contract to convert the old D.C. Post Office Building into a luxury lodge ... Window coverings will be by the same homeless weaver that does Donald's toup'. 

The L. A. School District gave out new Chevys to two students for their perfect attendance. Sounds great doesn't it? But it comes with a price ... They have to car-pool the 113 punk scofflaws to juvey. 

Mitt Romney's transition team revealed the plans for his White House ... Romneycare would have been: "I don't care." 

Actor James Gandolfini who played Tony on "The Sopranos" has died suddenly at 51 ... That's young, very young. So young, he still had his original kneecaps.

Volvo has a car that will park itself. No driver needed .... This is not your Uncle Olaf's Volvo. It's HAL's.  

Paula Dean was busted for using the "N" word ... Not sure which "N" word it was, but it sure wasn't nutrition. 

"World War Z," the movie. Zombies threaten to eat our brains ... If you live in a basement, you'll be safe. 

Vladimir Putin pocketed the NBA championship ring of New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft after asking to look at it .... Not Putin's fault. He'd just seen the OJ Simpson Story and that's how "The Juice" got his Heisman Trophy. 

Speaking of OJ, heard what he's been boasting in prison? ... He's going to drop every soap in every prison shower till he finds the real killer. 

New Jersey and Nevada casinos have banned gamblers from wearing Google Internet Glasses ... The only exception is when you're looking at naked pictures of the dealer. 

Many of our military weapons have parts on them imported from China ... If we were smart we'd install "Made in China" stickers and shoot 'em at Iran. 

Dick Cheney has a new heart.Transplant doctors waited a long time to find the perfect donor ... So somewhere there's a lawyer walking around with a scar on his chest. 

Sarah Palin is back on the Fox News ... Which is an oxymoron. She is not a fox, and they are not the news. 

Get this folks, Kate Middleton is on "Royal Maternity Leave" ... So now when a commoner waves at her, she doesn't have to wave back. 

I tried to write a big joke about Joan Rivers turning 80 ... But after I typed "Joan Rivers" I realized there was no bigger joke.  

Discovery Channel has a new reality show called "Top Hooker" ... Appropriately it's sponsored by the Secret Service. 

Another new charge from the airlines, called a "recline fee." Five dollars for five degrees, ten dollars for ten degrees ... Or you can opt for the deluxe package: Twenty-five bucks gets you back far enough to squish that little snark that's been kicking you seat. 

Things change fast in the social media game ... So fast in fact, Mark Zukerburg is the "Larry King" of nerds. 

I'm real dumb about cryogenics ... Does anybody know if Walt's head grows a beard and needs shaving? 

Are you worried about the NSA spying on you? Do what I did; increase your porn consumption by 500 percent ... They'll think you're the Secret Service and leave you alone. 

The Miss World Pageant has eliminated the bathing suit competition because some religious leaders complained ... I guess it interfered with their long-white-socks and habit-pulled-up spanking fantasy. 

The National Security Agency has been caught spying on us ... The average American's attitude about the spying is: They're shaken, but not stirred. 

In China a woman is on trial for squeezing a man's testicles till he died ... I believe she's using the "erection lasting longer than 4 hours" defense. 

The "Miss Iowa" beauty pageant was won by a 23-year-old girl born with one arm ... I think you'll all join me in giving the plucky young lady a hand. 

To save weight and space, Spirit Air will now dispense wine in aluminum cans ... And to reach cruising altitude faster and save money on wages, pilot's flight bags will be replaced with bota bags. 

In a brilliant move to both save money and get highly qualified pilots, Flat Rate Air, the new one-rate airline, recruited from the FAA, AA. 

Tesla wants to be the BMW of electric car makers. And they've made a great start ... The turn signals don't blink, they mock. 

Kim Kardashian is a little nervous about the birth ... She just learned the baby comes out the same place it went in. 

A British health study found McDonald's have more bacteria in their ice than in their toilet water ... It seems humans aren't the only life form that are "Lovin' It!" 

An anthropologist at the University of Kansas says he has discovered the world's oldest human tumor, and It's inside a rib ... Because he always wears suspenders, no one ever thought to look under Larry King's shirt.

A 13-year-old Indian girl scored an IQ of 162 on the MENSA test. Higher than Einstein or Stephen Hawking ... This is good news for her parents because it definitely means she can get the day shift at the sweat shop. 

Be the first on your block to get Michael Douglas' new CD, "Sixty Nine is the Loneliest Number." 

A British health study found McDonald's have more bacteria in their ice than in their toilet water ... It seems humans aren't the only life form that are "Lovin' It!" 

The Irving Texas High School had to recall all 300 issues of its yearbook because someone printed under a cheerleader's photo, "Ugly Hoe" ... Texas Governor Rick Perry could not be reached for comment as he was vacationing at his "Niggerhead Ranch." 

New Zealand has the World's oldest driver at 105. And he's never had an accident! He's been driving so long his insurance company is "A." 

Australian scientists discovered a mountain lake that has not ever been touched by man, and named it "God's bathtub" ... They call it God's bathtub because the toilet next to it has the seat up. 

Tim Tebow is out of the NFL. Not because he's a bad player and not because people don't like him, but because of Larry King ... See, Tim thinks with Larry coming back, Christ can't be far behind. 

So what's next for Michele Bachmann? NASCAR? ... Seems a natural. After all, she "wrecked" the Republican Party.