Wednesday, October 16, 2013

uuu


According to a study at Connecticut College, lab rats find Oreos to be as addictive as cocaine ... And those are the lucky ones. Regular rats have to get high on street poop. 

A new study says ginseng may help erectile dysfunction ... It'll work for sure, but you'll be horny thirty minutes later.

Palo Alto High School has a tradition of streaking the first week of term. A freshman girl got caught this year ...  She was so skinny, she'd do anything to get "busted." 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

ttt


Reports say Edward Snowden has a Russian girlfriend ... Funny enough, her name is "Whistle." 

Chilean artist Carina Úbeda paints with her own menstrual blood ... She tells her husband, 'Not tonight honey, I'm on the brush.' 
There's a marijuana smokers website called "WWW.Toke N Talk in the Cannabis Cafe.org" You can type all that out or use the hyperlink, "On the Roll Again." 

A Chinese hospital is seeking blood samples from female virgins for a research project ... They tried for some male virgin blood, but since China has no basements, there aren't any. 

Monday, October 14, 2013

sss


The government shutdown hasn't affected the DMV ...  It seems rude clerks are willing to work for nothing. 

Newly installed speed cameras in Chicago have caught 200,000 speeders in only 45 days ... They are extremely accurate, clocking US Congressmen Danny Davis and Mike Quigley at, "no discernible forward motion." 

This shutdown is getting a little ridiculous ... Kennedy's eternal flame has been replaced with a cardboard cutout. 

Saturday, October 12, 2013

rrr


"Passenger lands plane when pilot gets sick." After just one landing he knew what the Asiana pilot did wrong ... Never put the vodka down before the plane. 

Special coins minted to commemorate the inauguration of Pope Francis misspelled Jesus as "lesus." Actually, the misspelling was of "Lexus Saves," new sponsor of the Sistine Chapel. 

An American scholar claims to have made a controversial discovery that proves the entire story of Jesus was made up by Roman aristocrats ... Baloney! If that were true Jesus would have turned water into espresso, tossed five pizzas to feed 5000, and FIAT would win Indy every year. 

Thursday, October 10, 2013

qqq


"We Are Men" cancelled by CBS after only two episodes ... It seems the man caves they were most interested in were each others. 

Starbucks says it's "Be Kind Week" and they'll give you a free coffee if you buy someone else in line a cup ... It's all week long, or until they run out of Yuban. 

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

ppp


Recent surveys say women size 14 and over don't want to be called plus-size anymore. Now they're "Curvy" girls ... Except for Kirstie Alley, she'll stick with "foil wrapped." 

Reality show "Duck Dynasty" to host summer cruise ... Nix on that. I'm avoiding all cruises hosted by webbed feet. 

Macy's wants 80,000 extra workers this Christmas ... That's 2,573 Santas, 26,501 Elves and the rest moderate Republicans to yell, 'The sky is falling and it's Obama's fault!' 

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

ooo


Tiger Woods won the final point to clinch the President's Cup for the USA. Out of habit he asked where the President's Boob was. 

Microsoft wants to boot Bill Gates for a younger CEO ... Bill Gates is so old, he remembers when "computer" was the guy in class who could figure out which girl wore falsies. 

Penthouse magazine has filed for bankruptcy ... Like all penthouses, it got so expensive only rich old Chinese women could afford it. 

A study says that working out gives pot smokers an extra high ... Possible, but I don't see how you can top playing the guitar and growing hair. 

Coming soon, curved smartphones. Samsung and LG will have the shape of a banana ... Microsoft, appropriately, the shape of a plane crash. 

Saturday, October 05, 2013

nnn


A Tesla caught fire after running over a piece of metal ... LOL! It was an old Pinto gas tank. 
Pope Francis doesn't want a Vatican-centric church anymore, instead one that reaches out to the poor, the young, and the elderly ... The new Pope even hinted he wouldn't look askance at replacing the missionary with the woman-superior position. 

According to the American Dairy Council, milk prices will reach $6 a gallon soon ... Can the all-electric Tesla cow be far behind? 

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

mmm


A building code in Palo Alto, California, requires all new homes be equipped with an electric car charger. This is what comedians call a  "funicular." A funny-particular to any US region ... For example, any new house built in South Carolina must be equipped with a Tea Cosy. 

The Obamacare form asks new applicants, "Where do you live?" and "Have you had sex?" Or you can just check "Basement." 

Tuesday, October 01, 2013

lll


Government shutdown...I went to sleep Monday in Portland, I woke up Tuesday in Detroit. 

A Muslim cleric from Riyadh, where female driving is forbidden, says when a woman drives it forces her pelvis upwards damaging the ovaries, causing birth defects ... He should know, his mom won the Indy 500 in 1953. 

A real estate developer and his son were killed in a plane crash at Santa Monica Airport ... They'll be buried at, Location! Location! Location!. 

My wife says our lovemaking never changes ... It's like having sex with Carlos Mundane. 

Washington Week in Revue Tip Number One: How do you tell if there's a government shutdown? ... Nothing changes. 

New York's state highways are getting 300 new signs directing drivers to "text stops" as part of a campaign to promote safe driving ... You can thank Anthony Weiner for the sponsor: Fruit of the Loom.