Willie Nelson turned 80 last week ... He's been "On The Road Again" so long, he knows where every Doritos store is in America. 

Willie is such a beloved character, he's been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the Country Music Hall of Fame, and the Cheech and Chong hall of fame. 

Mohammed Nasery is the manager of the only store in Afghanistan that sells Apple products, and he has a clever sales gimmick ... With every purchase you get a commemorative copy of George W. Bush's "Mission Accomplished" banner. 

There is an Apple store in Kabul, Afghanistan ... Over there, if you download an app and don't pay, they cut off your texting finger. 

At the White House Correspondents' Dinner President Obama joked that Vegas mogul Sheldon Adelson didn't have to spend a $100 million to beat him, he'd of just taken the money and run off ... Which if you look at his campaign, that's exactly what Mitt Romney did. 

Dave Gold, founder of the 99 Cents Only Stores dies at 80 ... Boy is he gonna be pissed he didn't make 99. 

An American Airlines flight attendant refused to allow a new mom to use her breast pump, a violation of the airline policy ... Yeah, you can take something out all right, but she wanted to pump somethin' in. 

Ashton Kutcher got in a shoving match with a security guard at the Stagecoach Music Festival ... Typical Ashton, didn't mean any harm. He was just trying to date the guy's granny. 

Gwyneth Paltrow attended the premier of Iron Man in a see-thru dress, sans underwear ... Or as it's known in Hollywood, "Goin' Lohan."

Why does George W. Bush get a library and Charlie Brown doesn't? They both worshiped the Giant Pumpkin. 

Visited the new George W. Bush library yesterday. It was beautiful and everything was state of the art. Except the water fountains ... Every time I pushed the button I felt an overwhelming need to confess.

Wow, the Stones are touring again ... Now when Mick sings "Jumpin' Jack Flash," he means his mobility scooter.

Big electric car race in L.A. this summer ... Hint to drivers. Don't use the cigarette lighter. 

Wow, the Stones are touring again ... Now when Mick sings "Jumpin' Jack Flash," he means his mobility scooter.

Big electric car race in L.A. this summer ... Hint to drivers. Don't use the cigarette lighter. 

Noted right wing politician and vocal opponent of homosexuals, Henri Guaino helped get gay marriage passed into French law by accidentally voting for it ... Apparently, "accidently" in French means latent.

The Rolling Stones have been together since 1962 ... The year Pope John XXlll excommunicated Castro, the year Wal-Mart opened its first store, and the year Brett Favre announced his first retirement. 

Porsche has made the the 911 for 50 years, and basically it's the same thing except for a few new parts ... Kinda like Joan Rivers. 

Gwyneth Paltrow is the most hated celebrity in Hollywood ... Mainly because after a Botox injection you can't say "Gwyneth Paltrow." 

George W. Bush's Western White House town of Crawford, Texas, has fallen on bad times since the President left office with over half the businesses closing ... Hardest hit was the Dick Cheney Waterboarding Park which hasn't had a victim, er, customer in 18 months.

Ben Affleck says he will live on $1.50 a day to raise awareness for global poverty ... So if you see a guy on the corner with a sign that reads, "Will screw my best friend for career," that's him.

Reese Witherspoon has already taken steps to repair her damaged image after her run in with the cops ... She's signed up for rehab, she's stolen a necklace, and she's hiding under a table.

The post office is known for its rude employees ... So rude in fact, next month you'll get Coq au vin with your stamps. 

McDonalds is not doing so well with their dollar menu ... It seems Americans are willing to pay for quality obesity. 

The Boy Scouts will admit gays now ... There are some rules though. Thongs are for keychains, and chaps cannot be worn backwards.

New Zealand legalizes same-sex marriage ... Even so, gay and lesbians admit that's not a good enough reason to move to New Zealand. 

Oregon judge sends juror to jail for texting during armed-robbery trial ... Very distracting for the other jurists but worse than that, he tweeted the judge double bogied the ninth. 

A Japanese brewery is producing a beer made from the dung of elephants ... Appropriately enough, it's named "Chikusho Happens." 

There's an alcohol-free bar in Chicago ... So what game do they show on the TV, Jeopardy?

That bar in Chicago is alcohol-free for a very good reason: They can't afford to put in a toilet. 

NASA's Kepler space telescope has discovered a planet so Earth-like it could support life now ... In fact it's so Earth-like there's a short, loud-mouthed alien with weird hair running around buying up everything. 

New York has a tax on sliced bagels ... So I guess the best thing since sliced bagels is Mayor Bloomberg's limo. 

Pennsylvania has a tax on coin-operated vacuum machines, or as it's better known, the "it sucks" tax ... Last year the government had to tax itself $87 million. 

During a NASCAR race sponsored by the NRA a spectator committed suicide with a gun ... The winning driver was crowned when he pried the trophy from the guys cold dead fingers. 

Dennis Rodman visited North Korea recently which threw them into a real tizzy ... They couldn't figure out why he looked better in a dress than Hillary Clinton. 

Cal-OSHA cited Disneyland for not providing safe working conditions for employees ... Apparently the gloves used for carrying Walt's head around don't prevent freezer burn.

Big news from the world of cars this week. Chevy Volt gets 100 MPG and the New Bugatti goes 254 MPH ... And KIA will have a copy of each in 90 days. 

How can the airlines make more money? Simple, recline fee.
5 degrees, 5 bucks. 15 degrees, 15 bucks.

A gunman held four Georgia fireman hostage and after a tense day of negotiating demanded his home power and cable TV turned back on ... But like "Project Runway," (his favorite show) one day your in, the next day your taken out by the SWAT team.

Justin Bieber got a new hairdo and it's weird, very weird ... It's so weird, Donald Trump's made him an offer. 

Hair is like real estate: Location, Location, Location, and the shower drain is not a good one. 

The latest from the celebrity boutique wine front:

Brad and Angelina's winery has released its first bottling ... I bought one, and it's the pits.

Not to be outdone, Lindsay Lohan has released her own blend, a blush wine called "Naughty White Girl." ... As expeced, it comes pre-drunk. 

The Paris, France, Public Parks Department uses sheep instead of lawnmowers ... Which prompted Paris, Texas, to issue the proclamation: "In America we don't make the wife mow our lawns."

We all morn the passing of Disney Mouseketeer Annette Funicello ... For many teen boys, she put the "fantasy" in Fantasyland. 

Margaret Thatcher died at the age of 87 ... She was Britain's Prime Minister who never smiled because, five out of five dentists recommended it. 

Kid Rock says all seats for his summer tour will be twenty bucks ... And anyone who doesn't say "Who's Kid Rock?", gets in free. 

Obama says Kamala Harris is the best looking attorney general in the country ... So what does he know? He's just the president, not Brent Mushburger.

Ever wonder where North Korea got that crazy idea to bomb us to bits? .. It all started when a short chubby guy with a funny haircut was rummaging through the bargain bin at Blockbuster and found "Plan 9 from Outer Space."

Democrats have a sure-fire plan to stop Kim Jong-un ... Infiltrate the government and pass gun control laws.

I hear South Carolina's going to re-elect that lying ex-governor Mark Sanford ... Wonder if they'd be interested in a Pet Rock?

An Italian archeological dig has unearthed the legendary "gates to hell" in Turkey ... Or as it's better known in America, "stuffing."

Whoa! Here's a good one. Saudi Arabia has run short of guys to behead prisoners ... Sounds like a good gig for "Chopped" losers. 

Paris Hilton just had a birthday and is she old ... She's been around so long, her publicist is thinking of selling her to Hostess. 

... She's been around so long, she's going from social media straight to social security.

Lindsay Lohan says when she goes back to rehab she wants to bring her prescription pills Adderall with her ... Weird, but not as much as you might think. I remember when Tiger Woods went into sex rehab, he brought his hand with him.

For someone who thinks taking the garbage out is "icky," my daughter sure can't keep her hands off that mouse.

Johnson and Johnson is recalling 2 million of their glucose meters ... Users complained of unintended Snickers snacking.

Dionne Warwick owes over $10 million in back taxes and filed bankruptcy ... She has two choices: Either living off the kindness of friends, or teaming up with Willie Nelson.