OOO

Global warming is bunk says Glenn Beck, and to prove it he will fire any employee using an eco-friendly light bulb in his office ... Obviously just received his Doctor of Dorkiness from Trump University. 

I had tea delivered by The Butler this morning ... I call him The Butler because who wants to say my-kid-who-still-lives-in-the-basement delivered my tea this morning. 

This movie "The Butler" is creating quite a controversy. President Reagan's son says it's lies and distorted facts. President Obama says it shows how blacks are kept down in the job market ... Donald Trump called Obama "a political hack looking to get publicity"  and offered any black free tuition at Trump University. Just $35,000 for books.

NNN

Been on the road lately? Prius drivers are the worst ... They think the wiggle of their ammeter is more seductive than the wiggle of Miley Cyrus.

Lindsay Lohan. Miley Cyrus. Amanda Bynes ... Disney, we need another Annette. Now! Please! 

There is a Million Muslim March on Washington scheduled for September 11th ... I hear the Lincoln Memorial is going to Mobile that weekend. 

The Syrian Electronic Army ... They just conquered 6 volts. Next month 12 volts, and after that, 110. Watch out ACDC. 

Bad news. Studies say E-Cigarettes may cause cancer ... The good news: Radio Shack can treat it. 

The cat token is finally making its debut in Monopoly, seven months after being chosen in a world-wide vote ...  Hasbro dressed the little pussy cat in flesh colored bra and panties, and when she wiggles up backwards to Scottie Dog she goes directly to jail. 

MMM

Oh Great! Since Miley Cyrus did her MTV show in flesh colored bra and panties, everybody is wearing flesh colored bra and panties in public, including Kirsty Alley ... Of course with her it's flesh "covered" bra and panties. 

The mayor of San Diego has resigned ... Which is too bad. It looks like MTV has just the girl for him. 

Parents in Kentucky schools are complaining federal guidelines for kid's lunches are bad tasting and stingy in size ... Unfortunately all the concerned parents couldn't get into the meeting as the cafeteria door is only 5 axe handles wide. 

LLL

Miley Cyrus ... If she doesn't make it in the music business, she could always become the mayor of San Diego. 

The Google Driverless Car ... Isn't that just a mom going to the store for her basement-bound geek offspring?

It's back to school week ... For those frustrated parents whose kids have already graduated, at least you can close the basement door. 

The Farmers Almanac is predicting a bitter cold winter this year ... And they should know, They're the ones who brought you Miley Cyrus. 

The world's first website was started by a British computer scientist, Sir Tim Berners-Lee ... British. I guess that's why the mouse is on the right. 

The first website was invented by Sir Tim Bernes-Lee ... But don't forget his 

seldom-mentioned partner, Mommy Bernes-Lee. The owner of Sir Timmy's basement. 

KKK

Lindsay Lohan didn't even draw a million viewers to Lance Armstrong's 3.2 million on Oprah's tell-all interviews ... That's rough, but she knew going into it that Lance had a tough nut to crack. 

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell said that the Trayvon Martin verdict was “questionable” on a CBS interview ... Yeah, sure. And when he sees a left blinker he probably expects a left turn too. 

"One Direction" is the new happenin' thing! They're this generation's go-to band! It's so obvious Justin Bieber's people are selling his CD's on QVC. 

Many experts say natural gas is our fuel of the future. It doesn't hurt the environment, there's a lot of it, and it's cheap!. Three green chili tacos and you can cruise all night. 

JJJ

An Ohio man lay on an emergency room gurney for 45 minutes with no heartbeat, then miraculously came back to life ... The guy was dead, but God told him the Browns might score this year. 

"Al Jazzier America" news network debuted this week ... They're a little unfamiliar with American news TV. They hired Al Franken as anchor. 

Bradley Manning, sentenced to 35 years in prison for leaking classified military documents, says he is a women trapped in a man's body ... Turns out he wasn't committing treason. It was just girl talk. 

Bradley (Chelsea) Manning's biggest regret: Not having Cher as a mom. 

III

An Ohio man lay on an emergency room gurney for 45 minutes with no heartbeat, then miraculously came back to life ... The guy was dead, but God told him the Browns might score this year. 

Bankrupt Detroit is spending over $400 Million on a new hockey arena ... Detroiters are behind it cause bamboozled kinda sounds like Zamboni. 

HHH

It says here that Red Lobster Restaurants are the most popular dining places for couples having illicit affairs ... Perhaps it's their slogan, "Double your money back if you get crabs after eating our crab." 

There's a theory that marijuana cuts down epileptic seizures ... Well, so far I've had a joint a day for a month and my daughter hasn't had one seizure. 

Hey folks, how about this political ticket: The wanna-be mayor of NYC and the they-don't-want-him-to-be mayor of San Diego. "Touchy Feely and Looky Lou to Serve You in 2022." 

Stevie Wonder's boycott of Florida is working so well NAPA can't give blinker bulbs away. 

GGG

Dick Van Dyke was pulled from his burning wreck in LA last week ... Just like deja vu all over again. That's what MGM did when "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on the Casting Couch" crashed and burned at the box office. 

FFF

President Obama was on vacation last week and we were in the hands of Joe Biden ... The Commander in Chump. 

There's a religious war going on in Egypt, and the US is having a Gee Had ... "Gee," we wish we "Had" that oil. 

What if they gave a baseball game and nobody injected? 

Was Lance Armstrong a PEDdler? 

After the success of CARS and PLANES Disney's next movie is called "HANDS." An animated version of the San Diego mayors antics. 

The Science Channel has a show called the "World's Dirtiest Man." They had to change it to the "World's Second Dirtiest Man" after hearing about the mayor of San Diego. 

A-Rod got hit with a pitch Saturday ... It seems one of the side effects of PEDs is other players don't like you. 

The people of San Diego are OK with the mayor ... They figure if his hand's in their pocket, he's not after money. 

EEE

President Obama is back from vacation and boy is he pissed at Egypt! He says if they don't start being nice to their people he's going to completely DOUBLE their military aid.

DDD

Is Washington a nicer place with no politicians? Does Biden discharge both barrels in the woods? 

The reports of Refrigerator Perry's demise are greatly exaggerated ... Really, he's just lost a lot of weight and wants to be called "Ice Chest Perry." 

A Bolivian man claims to be the world's oldest living human at 123 ... I don't know about that but I did see Regis on "The Daily Show" last night and he was still alive, I think.. 

An Indian submarine blew up in Mumbai port Wednesday ... What happened was the sub wouldn't start and the captain called up tech support in India for help. 

CCC

This is weird but...After watching what's been happening in Egypt these last few months I think Anthony Weiner might not be such a bad candidate after all. At least with him you've already seen the prick you're getting.

BBB

Anthony Weiner is still running for NYC mayor and has just released his first TV spot which is a combo Weiner for Mayor and Fruit of the Loom advert ... It goes like this: "No matter what happens, you just won't drop out." 

India has built their first aircraft carrier. It was a straightforward design with no big problems save one ... Rerouting the Ganges to the laundry room. 

AAA

Why did Obama cross the road? Draft Board ahead. 

 A NYC cosmetologist has resurrected an age-old face cream discovered in Japan that features the poop of nightingales ... Gives a whole new meaning to the old Friday night cry, "Let's get shit faced!" doesn't it. 

Lindsay Lohan's latest movie has her first full nude scene and is called "Canyons." From the looks of her backside, they should have called it "Cottage Cheese." 

It's now legal to buy pot in Chicago ... So if you wanna get by and not get high, better stand upwind of the Windy City. 

Police in Miami Beach Tasered and killed an 18-year-old, Columbian-born street artist ... He thought he was being funny, but police there don't take kindly to foreigners who travel in the left lane with their right blinker on. 

ZZZ

Obama goes for 8-day vacation at Martha's Vineyard ... Have you tried her wine, "The Prisoner?" 

A Florida man killed his wife and posted a picture of her dead body on Facebook ... Later it turned out to be bogus when the man quickly explained he accidently "Liked" a picture of Joan Rivers. 

Putin sent Bush (W) a greeting card after his heart surgery .... George didn't get it. He always thought "The Dictator" was just a bad movie. 

A man purchased a sandwich from an Atlanta Airport vendor that was crawling with maggots ... A mixup occurred. Obviously that sandwich was meant for the staff at Paula Dean's restaurant. 

Zendesk, supplier of customer service software has published their annual ranking of the worst in customer satisfaction ... The only one to rank lower than the airlines was the House of Representatives...below zero! 

YYY

Costco pays its workers over twice what Wendy's pays ... Let's be fair. At Wendy's you get all the meat you can eat. Err, all the fake meat you can eat. 

Hyundai Motors fears a strike by its South Korean union after contract talks broke down Monday ... But since the union, like the car maker, copies everyone else, the strike will take place in Detroit. 

George W. Bush underwent a heart procedure in Dallas on Tuesday. Doctors went in the chest cavity after hearing something strange in there ... They found he'd been inadvertently fitted with one of Cheney's extras. 

XOXOXO

Ashton Kutcher got so into the character of Steve Jobs he had to be rushed to the emergency room ... Apparently Kutcher found it overwhelming acting like he had a triple digit IQ. 

Not only that, in order to find a nurse old enough to sooth him the hospital had to call in a retiree. 

First Twinkies came back. Now the new owners of Drake's say they will resurrect Drake's Coffee Cake, Devil Dogs, Ring Dings and Yodels  next month ... Can Anna Nicole Smith be far behind? 

A legal alien.

In a bold move, Bud Selig did not suspend Alex Rodriguiz for doping. He sent him instead to Arizona and they built a fence around him...But don't worry about his family, they're still eligible for Obamacare. 

Hello. Goodbye. Stupid.

If Anthony Weiner doesn't win the mayor's race in NYC, he'll go back to what he does best ... Writing his name in the snow...in capitol letters! 

Kim Kardashian made her first post-baby public appearance on her mother's reality TV show ... Megalodon lives! 

In a last minute move, the White House blocked an Apple sales ban in certain markets in the US ... When later questioned about the decision the Obama administration said they thought it was a ban on the sale of apple pies in some Safeways. 

Boeing will take an old 747 in trade towards a brand new 747-8 ... I tried to trade in my old United Airlines 747 but they wouldn't take it. Said it was always late and the cockpit cup holder was stained with bourbon. 

The Oakland Women's Rowing Club, AKA the "Ladies of the Lake" is the oldest in America ... Even though the age of the ladies is between 60-80, they're still faster than Carnival Cruise. 

Sunday was Obama's 52nd birthday...Let's see, his kids got him a tie, his cabinet a wallet...it doesn't say here what Michelle got him ... But being a modern political wife, I'm sure it was transparent. 

Batter high!

Next year just two Major League Baseball teams. Eli Lilly versus Pfizer.