Saturday, March 30, 2013


At the corner this guy held up a cardboard tablet saying he was homeless and needed money. I held up my Amazon Tablet saying I had just transfered $35 million of my Pakistani lottery winnings into his account. 

This "Dr. Who" ... If he's such a great doctor, why didn't he save Keith Moon?

Thursday, March 28, 2013


On Holy Thursday, Francis became the first Pope to wash and kiss women's feet ... It's a whole new direction for the Catholic Church: The Gospels according to Hugh Hefner. 

Boeing announced they will cut back on some of their pilot training standards ... But don't worry, they'll still teach them the really important things: How to take off, how to land, and the difference between shaken and stirred.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013


North Korea say they are going to war ... It was bound to happen, the Oompa Loompa have been pissed for 50 years.

Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in rehab ... She says she'll use it to prepare for her next bad-gerl role: "Lindsay Lohan."

Tuesday, March 26, 2013


Jesse James married again and says he's never been happier ... Except for that time Sandra Bullock bought him Taylor Swift.


Because of poor sales, McDonald's took its fruits and nuts salad off the menu ... Except in Southern California where fruits and nuts are their customers. 


Heart disease has been found in 5,000-year-old mummies ... Clearly that's because their 5,000-year-old daddies fed them too much cholesterol.

Monday, March 25, 2013



Jesse James got married again, to a drag racing star. This wasn't a good idea ... The last guy to marry a drag star was Rue Paul.

It's Jesse's fourth marriage ... Needless to say his hero is Elizabeth Taylor.

Jesse James' new wife is a billionaires ... Wow, "Jesse James Billionaires" sounds way better than "Jesse James Bullock."

A Florida fisherman netted a two-headed shark fetus ... It was the first official sighting of an offspring from the short-lived Fox team of Hannity & Colmes.

Friday, March 22, 2013



Lindsay Lohan is appearing on Charlie Sheen's "Anger Management" this month, plus bad-boy Charlie is giving her $100,000 to pay her back taxes. Now a cynic may say the 100K is to get her in bed, but Charlie is a health nut if he's nothing else ... The money is to keep her OUT of his bead. 

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


"Deep Throat" star Harry Reems dies at age 65 ... He'll be buried next to his costar Linda Lovelace, only upside down. 





Mayor Bloomberg's ban on sweet treats in big cups has been struck down by a federal judge ... The judge said it was a freedom of speech issue, but I think he is really just a closet fan of "The Double Divas." 


Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods are dating and they're cute together, kinda' like the Kim and Kanye of the sporting world ... Except she's not pregnant and he's not...Kanye.


The Samsung Galaxy S-4 phone is so smart it pauses movies when you look away ... A great feature, but won't it ruin the continuity of the movie while driving?


China started building their own Disneyland copy but had to stop in 2000 because the  money ran out ... It's surprisingly like Disneyland in Anaheim but for one major difference: The Mad Hatter is Nixon.

Monday, March 18, 2013



Ashley Judd wants to be a US Senator ... She's a natural because when they say "filibuster," that's what she does to a bra.

North Korea wants to blow up the west coast of the United States ... Not the whole west coast, just the places where KIA sells the most.

Ex heavyweight champ Mike Tyson has a touring one-man show ... Actually, the term one-man refers to his audience. 

Twinkies will be back on the shelves by summer ... All right! Now I won't have to buy those bricks to keep my shelves apart.


There is a new military medal for drone pilots ... Under the new austerity program, to save money, they just mail the medal to your parents and they throw it down the stairs to you. 

Sunday, March 17, 2013



Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen on TV together ... There hasn't been this much je ne sais quoi since Pee Wee Herman met Anthony Weiner.

Saturday, March 16, 2013


How about this Felix Baumgartner? Parachuted from outer space, twelve thousand six hundred feet. Of course he's not the first guy to do it ... That's how Charlie Sheen got on earth.

Friday, March 15, 2013



So there's a new Pope, name of Francis the First. The guy before him was the first to quit in over 500 years. We should have known he wouldn't last after he announced his name ... Pope Palin the Second.

"Life of Pi" is out on DVD, and they say you can own it forever ... But if it's like any pie around my house it won't last twenty-four hours.




Wednesday, March 13, 2013


The College of Cardinals is a little behind the times ... They thought by electing a guy from Argentina they'd get Madonna along with him.

A judge has overturned Mayor Bloomberg's ban on large sugary drinks. Said it was unconstitutional ... I'm sure the Founding Fathers were like, some day after Coke invents obesity some smart ass mayor is going to tell us how much to drink.  



Popes get to choose a Pope name; this one is Francis ... I think if I were Pope I'd be Dingy I. I'm not too ambitious, I just want to sit on water.


The new Pope is from Argentina, the land of the pampas and the gaucho ... And this can mean only one thing: The Popemobile will have bull horns.

A 12-year-old Detroit school girl was giving money to her friends from a $20,000 stash in her backpack ... This is not the first time this has happened. In the sixth grade Bill Clinton gave a girl $20,000 to see her "abacus." 

Tuesday, March 12, 2013


The good news is Twinkies have been sold ... The bad news is Chris Christie bought them and changed the name to "Mine!"

Holy protein! An L.A. elementary school teacher was caught giving sperm to his students ... He told the kids they were playing banker. He just didn't say what kind of banker.



An 18-year-old girl who went to the hospital because of a car crash found out she has cancer ... The insurance company said since it was a pre-existing condition, they didn't have to pay. "Corporations are people too my friend."

Monday, March 11, 2013



Kim Kardashian's doctor "bleeds" her face regularly as a beauty treatment ... Poor girl, even slugs don't want any part of that face.

Snooki has lost 42 pounds ... She bragged it was easy. Just cut out all cow-leries. 


Sunday, March 10, 2013


The College of Cardinals are deciding on a new Pope ... Meanwhile, Dennis Rodman looks like a good choice. He's already worn a dress in public.



Daylight Savings Time ... I told the wife I was too tired to put the toilet seat down on account of the hour extra lovemaking she got last night.




Friday, March 08, 2013


Kobe Bryant went on Jimmy Kimmel Live and announced he'll retire soon ...  It's just not exciting anymore, you know, going to the jewelry store after making another "score."

Justin Bieber left a London hospital and attacked a waiting paparazzi who he said insulted him ... Apparently, he really is trying to grow a mustache.

TSA policy says you can now carry a knife onboard ... And you can use it if the airline tries to serve you the same meal as your last flight. Not the same kind of meal. THE SAME MEAL!

New South Dakota law gives guns to its teachers ... Strange, they care more about the caliber of their guns than their teaching.

American Airlines claims a new policy earned them more money than ever in February ... Booking everyone on the 29th saved them a bundle on gas.




What a way to go! A California girl was mauled to death by a lion ... With a wife and daughter I get "malled" to death every month.

Tuesday, March 05, 2013



A guy in Texas claims a sperm bank gave his sperm to the wrong girl ... That sort of thing can happen when you make your deposit at the ATM.

A California inventor has developed a hand scanner that can diagnose illness and recommend treatment ... It's like magic except for one thing, it can't putt worth a damn.

Is Mantai Te'o gay? Is the Pope catholic? Not yet.

The University Of Maryland recently studied the differences between men's and women's brains. They determined the brains are remarkably similar but for one thing ... Women don't want to see women naked.

The NRA is set to sponsor a NASCAR race in Texas. They can't guarantee the caliber of racing, but they can promise one thing ... The finish will be a dead heat.


I'm trying as hard as I can, but I can't see any quester.

Monday, March 04, 2013


A Scottish cardinal apologized for committing "unspecified" sexual acts ... Now usually "unspecified" means not specific. However in this case it means not with girls.


To start off National Colon Cancer Awareness Month a giant inflatable colon was launched in Times Square ... It's very life-like, right down to that roadkill Trump wears on his head.


Sunday, March 03, 2013



The CEO of Yahoo says employees can't work at home anymore ... Those lucky sods! Now they've got a reason to leave the toilet seat up and not take out the garbage.

There is a story going around that Allegheny College is teaching a course in masturbation ... Well, it's not a course in masturbation per se. It's more a course in Republicans running for president.

The Pentagon and NASA spent thirty-six million dollars to build a transportation blimp ... Pretty expensive for what's basically pockets on Chris Christie's pants.


Because of  "sequester," the Blue Angels have lost their funding ... But not to worry all you fans of near misses in the skies, the air traffic controllers have lost their funding too. 

This guy Kerry is a real goof ball as Secretary of State ... He should go back to "The Price Is Right."



How do you know the ex-Pope has  a "friend" staying the night? ... His mitre is hanging from the doorknob.

Brand new tweet from the brand new civilian Pope ... "Help, my junk's shrunk!"


Los Angeles just retired a 94-year-old teacher. That's old. That's so old she remembers when Cher was her name, not what she does with body parts ... She remembers when Botox was what your son Bo does at 14 months ... She remembers when Fatty Arbuckle was just plump.

A church in Phoenix is offering drive-thru prayers. Typical! Things were going great until some pervert drove up and asked, "Can I have friars with that?"

Because of  "sequester," the Blue Angels have lost their funding. But not to worry all you fans of near misses in the skies, the air traffic controllers have lost their funding too. 

This guy Kerry is a real goof ball as Secretary of State. He should go back to "The Price Is Right."



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