Saturday, December 21, 2013

There's no more Doggy Bag. Now called Spare Tire.


If you are in New York and don't finish your meal, some restaurants will charge extra ... It's part of their "Global Fattening" program. 
Duck Dynasty may not survive the scandal, but A&E is taking no chances on the replacement. This time the ducks are the stars and the humans are the targets ... Called "Poop Dynasty." 
Scientists in Germany have created a robotic sperm delivery system to aid in fertilisation. It's based on Domino's ... If your cow is not pregnant within 30 minutes, your embryo is free. 

Friday, December 20, 2013

Why are you Twerking when you should be working?


This year's most Googled question was, "What is twerking?" I don't know why they call it twerking. When you're on the subway it's called "riding." 
An actor on Duck Dynasty has been put on "indefinite hiatus" for slamming gays in GQ Magazine. The reality is he wants to be gay but they wouldn't let him into the club because he's just too dumb ... He thinks Duck confit is a comfortable set of feathers. 

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Good value. Mitt Romney bribed the American people millions and still lost.


Italian cyclist Roberto Gaggioli claims Lance Armstrong once bribed him $100,000 to lose. We're so proud of Lance ... With integrity like that he could have been a winner in politics, or better yet Wall Street. 

The Minnesota Viking's Hubert H. Humphery Metrodome will be razed at the end of December ... With many of the younger fans asking, 'Was Humphery a beer or a condom?' 

After 75 years the Hollywood Park Racetrack is closing. The track was the setting for many famous movies and TV shows ... In fact, a horse's ass was the inspiration for "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." 

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Take this dog for a long walk on a short pier.


Have you seen Kirstie Alley's new show "Kirstie"? I'm sure it'll get an Oscar ... Oscar Meyer! It's a real dog. 

Fox is charging eight million a minute for Super Bowl ads ... I hear Miley Cyrus is getting 1.5 million a twerk. 

A British man was given a five year suspended sentence for accidentally killing his wife in bed with a fart. In Europe it's called a Dutch Oven ... Here it's called "Taco Bell Fourthmeal." 

Monday, December 16, 2013

You may be a winner, and loser.


Kim Jong Un had his uncle executed ... Not for political reasons, but because he found out the guy just won $5000 a week for life from Publishers Clearing House. 

An Iowa couple lived in a tent in the woods for 7 months to save for a house. That's nothing. My father walked 5 miles through the snow to school ... At least that's what he told me. 

Saw a man holding a sign at the freeway entrance. "Will watch Fast & Furious 6 again for food."

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Thought he was loaded for bear. Turns out he was loaded from beer.


A jet mechanic was arrested Friday as he attempted to drive a vehicle full of explosives into the terminal at Wichita's airport ... He was easily subdued after a pilot got him drunk from the cockpit mini-bar. 

What did Lance Armstrong brag about after winning his seventh Tour de France? That he was on the ball.

Un-piloted flight will change the face of America. It's true ... Playboy is developing the first silicone-enhanced drone. 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Don't go there Alex.


Jeopardy:
Alex: 'So you won an unusual contest in high school.'
Valerie: 'Yes Alex. I won a Twinkie eating contest.'
Alex: 'How did you beat all those big football and baseball players?'
Valerie: 'I like the creme filling Alex.'

Pull up! Too much ice.


The truth has come out in the Asiana Airlines crash at SFO. The pilots made a real rookie mistake ... They confused the low-speed stick shaker with the high-speed cocktail shaker. 

Two for the price of ten million.


Victoria's Secret has a 10 million dollar bra in their catalogue ... The secret is not that they sell the bra, but that some boob would pay that much. 

Food sales will be strictly controlled at the 2014 Super Bowl ... All pork snacks must be de-boned, inspected by the Rabbi, then sent to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's office for "ageing." 

Kim Jong Un, supreme leader for life of North Korea had his uncle executed this week ... The official reason was treasonous behaviour, but those in the know blame that fruit cake he gave Kim last Christmas. 

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I'm still alive!


Julie Andrews did not watch NBC's live "Sound of Music." Nowadays all Julie hears is the "Sound of Metamucil." 

Chrysler has recalled 1.2 Million Dodge Ram pickup trucks for steering problems ... What I want to know is why would 1.2 million people buy a car with "DODGE," "RAM," written all over it. 

The Hollywood Wax Museum provided wax figures of the stars to ride in the Hollywood Christmas parade ... They were so life-like, the Charlie Sheen figure made a grab for Mrs. Claus' ass. 

Boob pretending to be a principal.


A 10-year-old Georgia boy was suspended from school after he pretended to shoot an imaginary arrow at a friend. Weird. But not as weird as this ... *A 10-year-old girl was suspended from the same school after pretending to point imaginary boobs at a friend. 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Two Buck Bad Luck


A customer drove her car into a Long Island Trader Joe's while trying to park ... A quick thinking employee immediately put up a sign: "All the Chuck you can drink. Two Bucks a straw." 

The Washington National Cathedral charges ten bucks cover for weekday services ... I hear they have a two blessing minimum.

Things were going fine till some clown from Vegas tried to slip a twenty into the priests cinture. 

A drunk from Vegas thought the confessionals were for private lap dancing. 

Monday, December 09, 2013

This is some good shit...


A study suggests that smoking pot may give men "man boobs." First time I heard that ... Are they perhaps talking about Willie Nelson roadies? 

Kirstie Alley and Michael Richards (Kramer) in new sitcom called "Kirstie." 
Not off to a good start ... He's already used the "Fat" word twice. 

Governor Paul LePage, of Maine wants to relax child labor laws ... Whatever. 

Sunday, December 08, 2013

a


Scientists have discovered the world’s oldest reading room ... A 200 million year old toilet, petrified poop, and a crossword puzzle from the Hunter-Gatherer Gazette. 
For security reasons the only smartphone President Obama can have is a Blackberry ... I think it has something to do with Spike Lee. 

A religious group is boycotting Radio Shack for not having Christmas themes ... Guess they've forgetten the Three Wise Men were Volt, Watt and Ohm. 

Friday, December 06, 2013

ZZZ


I'm sorry Nelson Mandella died ... Now there are only 18 really good guys in the world. 

Harvard is $34 million in debt. The Crimson could throw a few games to pay it off ... But first they'd have to win. 

Walmart CEO gets $20 million golden parachute. Not really so much ... Would only support average Walmart family of four, both adults working for, FIVE HUNDRED YEARS! 

Thursday, December 05, 2013

YYY


Turns out Thomas Crapper did not invent the flush toilet, that was 80 years earlier. However he did invent something much more famous ... The plumber's crack. 

I bought a Justin Bieber CD on Black Friday and it wasn't worth 50 Cent. 

China scrambled two fighter jets to investigate American planes that had ventured into their airspace. Our pilots weren't worried ... The Chinese pilots were drinking Virgin Bloody Marys. 

XXX


China launched a rocket Sunday night to put a Rover on the moon ... They call it Rover because it's actually built from dog parts. 

In the US we call our rocket base the Skunk Works ... In China they call it the Sweat Shop. 

China's moon rover is hoping to find something the US rover did not ... Profit. 

Televangelist Paul Crouch, founder of Trinity Broadcasting Network which last year garnered $93 million in donations has died ... And he arose on the third day and sat on the right hand of Goldman Sachs.

WWW

"Fast and Furious" star Paul Walker was killed in a real-life fiery car crash ... Or as they say in Hollywood: Cut! Print! Bury!

 Amazon plans to offer 30-minute delivery via drone-like "octocopters." Fine. If you're ordering squid!

 Mayor Blumberg has banned tanning booths in New York City ... He figures it's the best way to keep Snooki and her gang out.

vvv


A guy in Philly called 911 to report a stolen snack from his refrigerator. Know how he made the cops take him seriously? Told them it was a doughnut. 

Paris Hilton is vacationing in Dubai. And it's the perfect place for her. Fits her life style to a T. Do buy.