Friday, May 31, 2013


At 78, Barbara Eden looks great! Great enough to wear her "Jeannie" costume to an AIDS benefit party last weekend ... So great in fact, Sports Illustrated put her on the cover of their Cougars Swimsuit Edition. 

A Hong Kong Starbucks is accused of using toilet water to make their coffee ... Customers became suspicious because every time they took a swig, it went down counter-clockwise. 

Here's how to tell if your Starbucks is using toilet water ... There's a little blue ring around the cup. 

Larry King is back on TV, and a Russian TV channel at that ... Larry has a long history with Russia. He was once married to that dog they sent into space. 

Thursday, May 30, 2013


A Disney employee was arrested for trying to blow up the happiest place on earth after he dropped a plastic bottle filled with dry ice into a garbage can ... No one was hurt in the explosion and police are unsure if he was a terrorist trying to blow up Toontown, or just some crazy guy cooling his bong. 

After his girlfriend was eliminated from "The Voice" coach Adam Levine whined, "I hate this country" ... I think all America would join me in outrage but for one thing: Who is Adam Levine? 

Monday, May 27, 2013


A guy on an Alaskan Airlines flight had to be handcuffed when he tried to open the door at 30 thousand feet ... That's what they get for showing "Snakes on a Plane" and "Man of Steel" on the same flight.  
It snowed 3 feet in New York on Memorial Day ... Or as Montana residents call it, "Just a little dandruff." 
Danica Patrick and her race-driver boyfriend crashed into each other at the Coca-Cola 600 Sunday night ... It was almost like leaving the toilet seat up. She told him it was time for a pit stop and he whined he'd used deodorant that morning. 


Renovating a house in small town Minnesota turned up a copy of Action Comics #1 from 1938, featuring the introduction of Superman ... Reading the comic showed the Man of Steel started out like a lot of us, being a Man of "Steal." 

Saturday, May 25, 2013


A female suicide bomber blew herself up in Russia Saturday ... I can kinda' understand the male bombers; 72 virgins in Heaven and all that. But the girls, the only place they'll find 72 virgins is at a Comic Con.

Friday, May 24, 2013


Direct TV broadcasts a channel only about dogs ... They're the girlfriends Charlie Sheen wouldn't be photographed with. 

A Kentucky school district wants to arm their teachers ... Not only that, the girls in home ec are being taught with Smith & Wesson Oil.

Jerry Lewis says female comedians are not funny. In France they think Jerry Lewis is the funniest guy alive ... Course, they eat snails. 

Part of a wing fell off a 747 as it flew over Georgia and landed on a woman's house ... Apparently after the American/US Air merger, they had some parts left over. 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013


Co-ed touch football is what the modern college students want to play ... I wish them luck and hope they do better than Penn State did with male touch football. 

Super Bowl 50 in 2016 will be at Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, California ... Half time entertainment will be Justin Bieber and The Rolling Stones' Headstones. 

Anthony Weiner is running for New York City mayor ... In the best Mayor Bloomberg fashion, he's for a 16 ounce maximum Jockey Shorts. 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


Apple CEO, Tim Cook, went before Congress Tuesday to answer charges the company hid $44 billion in offshore accounts. Actually, it wasn't hidden at all. Just look on the map where it's kept ... iLand. 

Wow, I forgot OJ got 33 years for stealing his memorabilia ... I guess Lance Armstrong could steal his old stuff all day long and no one would care because it's, "forgetabilia." 

You can now get Viagra online. Of course it comes with the standard warning ... Please contact a doctor if your mouse has an erection lasting longer than four hours. 

Monday, May 20, 2013


For Senior Prank Day, students at the high school in Grayson, Kentucky filled the hallways with 10,000 crickets ... Local baby boomers marched on the school with signs reading, "Buddy may be gone, but his backup band is boss!" 

The Boeing 787 is back in the air after numerous battery problems grounded it ... Basically it was a simple fix. Younger pilots. The old ones always had the left blinker on and wore the battery down. 

 Fox news is "Outraged" the Justice department spied on one of their reporters ...  Yeah! If anyone is going to spy on a Fox reporter, they'll do it themselves. 

Of ten countries studied, the United States is the most obese ... According to the IRS it's not the Tea Party's fault, it's the fatheads that go with it. 

Sunday, May 19, 2013


A US Airways plane made a belly landing at Newark International Airport Saturday morning ... The airline reported no one was hurt and all passengers were charged for an "E ticket ride."  

Martha Stewart is really getting into computer dating ... After an evening of stimulating gamesmanship there's nothing like a long night of hard booting. 

France has legalized gay marriage ... This is great news for many Hollywood actors. As we speak, Pepe' Le Pew is heading t0 Paris in search of a new fella.  

Friday, May 17, 2013


So the IRS audited the Tea Party. Big deal. You know what they found? A bunch of guys who wanted to repeal electricity ... Except for porn of course.

Thursday, May 16, 2013


Lindsay Lohan has gained 5 pounds in 5 days after her Adderall was taken away ... Looks like she'll be more than ready after rehab for her next role, "Kirstie Alley, the Early Years." 


NASCAR driver Dick Trickle died Thursday ... Many think he was named after a venereal disease. But really, he was named for Reagan's economic policy. 


Venezuela has run so short of T.P. they're importing 50 million rolls ... I was going to donate some but am afraid. With the IRS investigating the Tea Party, God knows what they'd do with the Pee Party and the Poop Party. 

Wednesday, May 15, 2013


Old and confused!
Police arrested two residents of a senior center in New Jersey for running a prostitution/cocaine ring ... You know, it's real easy being a hooker to a senior. You don't have to have sex, just tell him he forgot what a good time he had. 

Angelina Jolie had a double mastectomy ... Should be no problem, she married two boobs. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013



Retiring baby boomers will push the limits of Social Security. This is really serious because there may not be enough money to pay for it ... Plus McDonald's will have to come up with an early bird special. 

ExxonMobil was fined over $236 million for groundwater contamination ... Or as they call it, "a drop in the rusty bucket." 

Martha Stewart has signed up on Match.com looking for a new boyfriend ... She tried Speed Dating but found when she was still accelerating, the guy was pulling into the pits. 


Monday, May 13, 2013



Barbara Walters is retiring but won't stop interviewing ... She plans to grill all the neighborhood cats and find out whose been marking her territory. 

OJ Simpson is back in a Vegas courtroom asking for a new trial to get out of his robbery-kidnapping conviction ... Probably it's because of his cellmate Viral who says, "If they didn't acquit, you must submit." 

Dr Joyce Brothers has died. She was 85 ... She was kinda the Dr Phil of the 50's, except she was never married to Oprah. 

Detroit is broke, can't pay its bills and may go bankrupt ... Times are desperate, so desperate last week they flirted with Kobe Bryant.  

Sunday, May 12, 2013


Dennis Rodman is going to North Korea again ... Dennis is getting pretty good at this representing the United States thing. It won't be long till Bill's cheating on him. 

Saturday, May 11, 2013



Apparently Lindsay Lohan has been given the nickname "LiLo." Guess that's better than her jewelry store nickname, "Lindsay The Kid." 

Dennis Rodman ripped President Obama for refusing to talk with North Korea's Kim Jong-Un ... Here's a little-known fact about Dennis: Twitter was actually named after him. As in, "all a twitter."  

Nobody wants Tim Tebow anymore, some sports pundits say he is being blackballed by the NFL ... And that's not the worst of it. Rumor from above says that Saint Peter texted him, "Don't call us, we'll call you." 

Thursday, May 09, 2013


Delta is building a new terminal at JFK they say is the "Symbol of modern age of air travel." ... Put simply, that means the ATM machines don't dispense money, they take money. 

The Catholic League doesn't like David Bowie's new video, "The Next Day" because he makes fun of priests, nuns, and Christ .... Well, you know what they say about the very best humor: It's just holding up a mirror. 

Wednesday, May 08, 2013



Some golfers are using deer-antler spray to build more muscle ... But not Tiger Woods. He still relies on girls for more muscle. 

Tuesday, May 07, 2013


In an effort to lose weight, Chris Christie had a Lap-Band put on his stomach ... So if you are wondering what ever happened to The Beastie Boys, now you know. 

In her first life Congressman Nancy Pelosi was a model and was named "Miss Lube Rack of 1955." ... Being Miss Lube Rack was much more taxing than being a politician. For instance, she had to know the difference between a grease nipple and a hole in the ground. 

Disgraced ex-Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford won the election to be their new Congressman ... Which just goes to prove you can lie to some of the people some of the time and all of the people all of the time. 

Monday, May 06, 2013



Lindsay Lohan says rehab is a joke and she could write a book about it ... She'll need a ghost writer. I hear Casper is available. 


After falling from a cliff in the French Pyrenees, the 52-year-old woman's body was eaten by vultures ... Not only was she completely devoured by the vultures, they charged her a $300 dollar an hour consultation fee. 





Sunday, May 05, 2013



NRA says all law abiding citizens should have an AK-47 ... Gotcha! Isn't lying on your taxes not abiding the law? Who's first with the yeah buts.

Saturday, May 04, 2013



New York City will soon rent bicycles with the intention of getting people in shape. But for one tiny flaw, a good idea. There is a maximum weight law for the rider of 260 pounds. This is an unlikely situation ... As unlikely as a law forbidding the Nicks from ever winning again. 

Archeologists found evidence that during the winter of 1609 to 1610 Jamestown settlers turned to cannibalism ... Not unlike modern day cannibalism where Donald Trump eats New York City. 

Know how you can tell Donald Trump ate New York City? He has a hair from every single ethnic group on his head. 

Thursday, May 02, 2013


Chicago is spending five hundred million dollars to fix up Wrigley Field, and a lot of people say that money should be spent on the homeless ... Well, to that I say, the Cubs partly qualify. They're homerun-less. 

A Boston Celtic player has come out as gay ... After playing for the Celtics, guess that's the only chance he'll ever have to be in a Pride Parade. 

Tim Tebow is out of a job ... So now when he kneels, it'll be to update his cardboard sign. 

Wednesday, May 01, 2013



One thing about being a gay basketball player with a girlfriend: You don't have to buy her a diamond when you cheat. "Got a game Honey."